'Churchill' Like a Pro

 
by Jim Paine


Having listened to enough Ward Churchill speeches to qualify as at least an upper-division Ethnic Studies student (and, thus, fully deserving of all the public acclamation and reverence that position deserves-- ie, zilch), I have arrived at several conclusions, the first of which is rarely covered in media accounts (with the glowing exception of zombie's excellent pictorial dissection of several Churchill events), but which can best be expressed "Where do they find all these cretins?" PT Barnum was, in the final analysis, a pollyanna.

At every Churchill "rally" (one cannot call them "forums" and continue to claim a reverence for the objective meaning of words, although most media and all universities seem to think otherwise), the innate choral nature of a Churchill audience reveals a constituency comprised entirely of amen-corner idiots (primarily white middle-class louts, unsurprisingly) brimming with eager loathing of the US, and drives home the point that Churchill is not so much "winning hearts and minds" as he is providing already-won hearts and minds with the "intellectual ammunition" to bravely battle the hateful and murderous US. One imagines that had only Mummy and Daddy bought Brent that pony like he wanted, Brent would have found something more productive to do than enthusiastically echoing Churchill's sedition today. As the satirist Karl Kraus pointed out (which quote I've shamelessly cribbed from The Weekly Standard), "'the secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience, so they believe they are as clever as he." In achieving that level of stupidity, Churchill has succeeded, and judging from his audience, it was no mean feat.

But that's all prologue to the second conclusion I've drawn from Churchill's speech (and honestly, he just has the one), which is that those wishing to schedule him can save the speaking fee and travel & lodging fees by simply having someone read the following:

"Greetings my relatives blah blah blah.... Blah blah Leonard Peltier blah blah blah still in a cage.... Blah blah blah little Eichmanns blah blah.... Blah blah blah [litany of US-perpetrated holocausts ranging from the Dutch playing kickball with the heads of slaughtered Indians from whom they had earlier purchased the island of Manhattan to the Dresden fire-bombings and, of course, Hiroshima and Nagasaki] blah blah blah US out of North America!"

The above version has the added attraction of being brief. Purists may argue, however, that omitting the length and density of a Churchill speech is to lose the soporific effect of the original. I offer, then, the outline of Churchill's speech: 

  1. Self-identify as an Indian. For authenticity, learn the Sioux words for "Seditious Buffoon" and announce that that is your true name, and that "Bill Smith" is your "colonial name" (45 seconds)
  2. Defend convicted murderer Leonard Peltier (two minutes)
  3. Blather on contradictorily with exculpatory material concerning the "little Eichmanns' essay (seven minutes)
  4. Launch a long, long, long litany of the US's apparently unbroken history of slaughter and genocide that, concatenatively, more than justifies the 9/11 terrorist attacks (15 minutes)
  5. Ask a series of pseudo-rhetorical questions following the basic line of  "How would you address the egregious human rights violations of the United States?" (two minutes)
  6. Without allowing rumination or conversation on the preceding question, quickly launch into a systematic derogation of "pacifist" solutions. Remember: you wrote Pacifism As Pathology (three minutes)
  7. Propound knowingly about US Constitutional law, international law, and the illegitimacy of US existence. (four minutes)
  8. Argue that individual citizens (like, say, your audience members) are the "enforcement arm" to ensure that the government complies with aforementioned international law "by any means necessary." (one minute)
  9. Having eliminated all possible nonviolent solutions to your pseudo-rhetorical question, leave the determination of what possible action remains legitimate as an exercise for the student. Broad hints are allowed, but explicitly telling your audience to "off the pig" (however receptive they may be to that encouragement) is cheating.
  10. Question & Answer period: Here, say whatever you want. Really. Anything will suffice. Mention Locke or Malcolm X (or both, if you're feeling cocky) for extra points with the audience. Any question you wish not to answer can be effectively responded-to with sarcasm. Lately, this function has been assumed by other audience members, and you merely have to nod or say "well said" to achieve applause, or perhaps even a standing O.
By the way: Don't concern yourself with the sparsity of logic, reason, or actual facts in the above outline. As we learned from my first conclusion (and from the basically unchanged wording of Churchill's speech for the past three years), none of the cretins will ever fact-check you.


Comments are open and unmoderated, and do not necessarily reflect the views of PirateBallerina. Obscene, abusive, threatening, silly, or annoying remarks may be deleted, but the fact that particular comments remain on the site in no way constitutes an endorsement of their views by PirateBallerina.

Well said. :)

  — Chris () (URL) - 18 April '05 - 15:18
Hello,

Did Ward Churchill actaully talk about Hiroshima? Many of my stupid white brothers and sisters use Hiroshima as an excuse to rail against US "Imperialism" and an example of military "genocide". Let me tell you about my wifes' grandfather who is Japanese.

My wife is from Okinawa, we met in LA. Her grandfather is a WWII Japan Army vet and still lives in Okinawa, he's 93.

He wasn't fit enough for duty in the regular army so he helped design "Kamikaze" planes for the Japanese. I've asked him about this many times and he never changes his story so it must be true. He was in Hiroshima attending a meeting of some sort the day it was bombed, luckily his hotel was outside the city limits. The next day he walked through the carnage, all he can say is that "it was hell on earth". But he also says that it HAD to be done. The US had to bomb Japan because they were never going to give up. He hates the Japanese. Okinawa is a prefecture of Japan and they are Japanese citizens but many Okinawans consider themselves "Okinawan" not Japanese. I tell this story to many people and I sure many don't believe me.

So there you are, an actual Japanese WWII vet who agrees with what we did to stop the war.

Robert J

Waldorf MD

  — Robert Jones () - 18 April '05 - 15:23
Just one thing about your piece...which is otherwise brilliant. Peltier was indeed convicted of Murdering Federal Agents. Unfortunately for the Government they couldn't lift any prints from the weapon in question and they couldn't match the killing bullets to the rifle barrel they found. Aside from that they have no physical evidence linking Peltier to the crime in question other than his association with the AIM folks(That's American Indian Movement).



Go check out Peter Mathiesen's "In the Spirit of Crazy Horse" or the Frontline video of the same title I think. Peltier is serving time for another man's crime. A man Peltier claims to know but will not divulge which I find slightly convenient. On the other hand, when you consider what was going on at Rosebud during those days...



and to think...all that over a pair of boots...

  — Wayne Fielder () (URL) - 18 April '05 - 21:49
Mr Jones,



You mentioned "He also includes a reference to the Nazi’s alleged respect for US imperialism as a pretext for Germany’s own imperialism" I know you were paraphrasing, but does Chruchill actually believe that?!?!



I'm not the greatest student of history, but I think I remember hearing how the US was quite isolationist after WWI, and that FDR was trying to circumvent Congress (and public opinion) with the Lend-Lease deal, but it sure fell short of the amount of support the Allies needed. (How mant countries fell to the Nazis between 1938 and 1944? 5? 6?) If it wasn't for Pearl Harbor we probably wouldn't have gotten "officially" involved until the U-Boats were floating up the East River.



Talk about revisionist history!

  — johnd01 () - 19 April '05 - 14:52
I've only heard one of Churchill's speeches (and that was on-line while eating lunch and trying to stay awake) but in that one he used the firebombing of Tokyo instead of Hiroshima.



He twists things around a lot - the incident with the Dutch for example. Yes, the Dutch attacked some indians and brought one or more heads back. The child of one of the settlers grabbed a head and kicked it like a ball. This appalled the adults. Churchill has the adults playing soccer with the heads. Everything he says is like that - a little truth mixed with enough fiction to give it the spin Churchill wants. Every nation has done some unsavory things. By focusing on 350 years of US history (starting 150 years before we were even a separate country), Churchill gives a false impression that the US is unique in these actions.

  — Mark G () (URL) - 19 April '05 - 23:01
Hey ... great posts ... i have some thing crazy 4 u.

  — Teeth Whitening Systems () (URL) - 26 March '10 - 11:41

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