by Jim Paine
Embattled ethnic studies professor Ward Churchill is blaming the debacle of the last five months on a faulty grammar-checker, saying that his infamous "roosting chickens" essay about the 9/11 terrorist attacks wasn't taken out of context, it was just not well-edited.
"I'm surprised nobody noticed this before," a red-faced Churchill said at a hastily-called press conference Friday, "but I have to admit that even I didn't notice it until just this morning. I wish I had a dollar for every person who read that essay and didn't catch the error." He paused, then added "I'd have fifty-sixty bucks, easy."
Churchill told the estimated crowd of 200 local and national journalists that a recently-installed freeware grammar-checker, "Gramma-Cheka", had changed what he typed"little Entenmann's" (referring to the popular brand of donuts and pastries)to "little Eichmanns." The change went unnoticed despite widespread internet distribution as well as an expansion into a book-length work.
"My metaphorical use of food in the essay is, of course, complex to the layman, but surely you've all heard the expression 'as American as apple pie.' Well, I'd meant to relate the 'Americanness' and 'lovability' of those poor people who died on 9/11 to the well-known popularity of Entenmann's glazed donuts," Churchill said. "And if you replace the error with "little Entenmann's," anyone can see that's exactly where I was headed." Patting his ample belly to the laughing approval of the gathered journalists, Churchill added: "You can tell I have a weakness for glazed donutsthere's a box of Entenmann's next to my computer at all times."
Churchill also noted that, once corrected, the essay clearly intimates that "technocrats" refers to the Keebler elves, the marketing representatives of another popular line of pastries. Other errors the relieved Churchill pointed out to reporters included the essay's title itself, which he said should read "On the Justice of Roasting Chickens."
"Not 'roosting'," he said ruefully. 'Roasting.' When I'm not gobbling Entenmann's, I'm having dinner with 'the Colonel.' I may sue the Gramma-Checka people for this."
In light of the newly discovered errors, Churchill said, he planned to review very carefully everything else he has published in the past four years. He says he won't start the review until after the Fourth of July, his favorite holiday after Thanksgiving.
Right now, he noted, he is still marveling that the "little Eichmanns" error went undetected for so long.
"I mean, really," Churchill said, "what kind of idiot would liken 3,000 innocent victims to Adolf Eichmann?"
Update: Attention, WorldNetDaily reporters looking for a story you can steal without attribution: This is a satirical article. It is a phony news story. It is not true. It is made up. It is a parody. It is a canard. Next time you steal a news story, you might want to contact the story's author, since you might learn something, such as the fact that the story is a satirical, made-up, untrue canard.
Just a tip.